A Blogpost in Four Acts

Some random Tumblr art, to add to the haphazardous-ness of this post 

*Warning: Very random and long post ahead* Everyday my summer vacation draws closer, but I'm still in that state where I know it's coming but its just not there yet. While I'm constantly occupied with Life, thoughts and inspiration come in short spontaneaous burts. Like weeds sprouting through a cracked pavement that consists mostly of exam papers. At the moment I just don't have the space to string all these instances together and find the recurring theme (if life ever has one, that is). Therefore I decided to employ my illustrious talent for list-making to create a somewhat readable account of thoughts and observations I've been having lately.

1. I want to posses all beauty, all at once
I've been experiencing moments of enormous happiness without reason lately. I think I might be falling in love with life. I just never realized happiness could be so addicting. The more I posses it, the more I want of it. In my brightest moments my mind will go on a trip to every beautiful thing in life. Ones I have experienced in the past and ones I wish to experience. The latter are especially strong. I want to posses all these instances, all at ones. I want to lose myself in a Cambridge library, enveloped by epic tales written in words from the past. At the same time I want to serenade a wasted youth, kissing a boy with a late summer-smile in a parking lot, illuminated by the multi-coloured lights of 7-Eleven. (I'm romanticizing, off course. That is what happiness does to someone.) I want to conquer the busy Parisian streets. I want to revisit my old summer home. I want to listen to The Clash, but sing along to Taylor Swift in the same instance. I want to live the stories on my reading list all at the same time. I want to make new friends and catch up with every one I lost contact with. I want to  rekindle old passions, while performing every act unknown to me. I want to experience all beauty and I want to have it be part of me. I want to be made of beauty. I want, I want, I want..... I want to live.

2. Sometimes meaning is overrated
I'm a constant narrator of my own life, searching for wrung-out metaphors and hidden truths in every moment  I divide my days in clearly defined acts as if they're part of a play. I do all this, because I'm continually searching for Meaning (with a capital M) in my every action. Recently, I watched 'Big Easy Express'. It's a documentary about the tour Mumford & Sons, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros and Old Crow Medicine Show took across the US in a train filled with music. Unlike many other movies about people doing something remotely artistic, very little is said in this film. No one tries to come up with some deeper truth behind their travels and music, except simple  enjoyment. I have been looking at my days a little more as if I'm on the Big Easy Express. I've found that a lot of moments don't need to have Meaning (with a capital M), to be good and make me feel all good inside. Not everything is part of a greater narrative, exploring some main theme. Sometimes things just are.

3. Misery is the new black
Feeling good has made me realize a lot of people I spend a lot of time with and believe to care about really enjoy the idea of feeling bad. They wear their negativity like a cool accessory. Expressing they hate this band, or that movie or these people makes them even more cool, or should I say 'edgy'. I have to admit I have taken part in this many times, but now I simply don't understand what the big deal is with hating things. It sure isn't a productive way of living. Perhaps it's because when we believe that having common interests helps to make friends, we are faced with two options: Finding people who like the same thing(s) as you or finding people who hate the same thin(s) you hate. Often it's easier to find someone who also doesn't like (or actually just doesn't care or doesn't know about them, but nods when you express your dislike) One Direction  instead of meeting someone who shares your love for Katy Perry/80s movies/thrift shopping/Rupert Grint/Lord of The rings. After all, the enemy of my enemy is a friend.

4. Life comes in waves
The first months of this year weren't the best times for me, I felt like things had gone very dark and didn't believe brighter days would come again. Yet, like the changing of the seasons, they did. All it took was waiting. Now that I'm living right in the middle of the good times, I still posses the knowledge that this happiness, like my sadness, is also fleeting. I'm usually very sceptical when it comes to Balance-YingYang-Inspirational Quote-stuff, but I do want to believe that life is like a scale held in balance by Good Stuff and Bad Stuff. I feel like they come in waves and the only thing I can do is ride the good ones and wait for the bad ones to ebb. The believe that I control the way life plays out is still very alive within me, but spending some time in the Bad Stuff-wave has made me realize that sometimes shit just happens  and all you can do is try to deal with it as far as your capability allows. Maybe this is all just Good Wave talk, but for now it works as a pretty solid philosophy. (Or at least, the best one I can come up with at the moment ;) )

Kudos to you if you go through this blogpost, I'm not really sure what it was meant to be either. What has been up in your life lately? Let me know!

Things To Do For Lazy People (Like Me)

It always happens right before or after the start of summer. My motivation drops to a new low. All the fun or relaxing things I had planned for summer are suddenly replaced by lying in bed and browsing Tumblr all day. I know it's okay to sometimes not be doing/creating amazing things and just watch movies/shows and read books all day, but when I hit the point of complete motivationlessness I'm not even doing that. The stack of books I borrowed remains untouched and I don't even bother to look up that movie my friend told me about on Netflix. Being lazy like this is not a lot of fun, especially if it goes on for days. That's why I decided to make a list of fun things to do that require minimum effort. Hopefully I will manage get my ass off the couch this summer.

A list for feeling unalone

I've been feeling very disconnected with the world lately. Maybe it's because not much is happening in my life, or maybe it's because I'v been getting to know this thing called 'loneliness' too well. I'm constantly looking for something to relate to, some part of myself, in the world outside but I keep coming up short. So instead of fixing my lost connection, I've developed several other ways to feel somewhat unalone. Since making lists is my expertise, I decided to make a lists of the (strange) things I do to feel somewhat connected.

1. Reading all the Rookie 'Dear Diary'- posts

Almost all the time I have this very teen-angsty feeling of 'I'm so alone in my troubles. No one understands what I'm going through!' But then I read Noami's, Ruby's and Britney's entries and look at Caitlin's art here and suddenly I realize there are people in this universe who feel exactly the same way as I do. When I look at the people around me I always assume they only have rational thoughts and feelings that arise as a logical result of a certain event or happening. Reading the entries of these girls has makes me feel like I can be more comfortable with the fact that I have feelings that are weird or complicated or don't make sense at all. Going through several months in one day also allows for witnessing very visible 'ups' in the girls' lives.

2. Turning my feelings into a Tumblr tag

Sometimes when I have nothing else to do I will type how I'm feeling at that moment into the Tumblr search bar, just to see how others express their happiness/sadness/anger. Strangely enough it gives me a lot of comfort to read that some random person just found a new apartment or had a fight with his/her best friend or had to stay in bed for two days because of a bad cold. Perhaps I enjoy knowing that those things happen completely unaffected by me. That while I'm happy there are many others who feel the same way, but also many who at that same moment are having the worst day ever and vice versa.

3. Listening to Taylor Swift

I've never really been a fan of Taylor and her music was simply part of those songs that I have on my iPod, but only ever listen to when I put it on shuffle. This was also exactly how everything changed and Taylor became my best friend. On a long car ride home from Antwerp with my parents I had put my Ipod on shuffle and suddenly Taylor Swift's song 'Fifteen' came on. Too sleepy from the soft rocking of our vehicle I didn't bother to skip it and kept listening. In a heartfelt manner Taylor told me about her boy troubles, meeting her best friend in math class and her dreams of becoming a singer. This song was like all the non-events of my high school life wrapped up in a bubbly feel-good melody. I've been playing her albums on repeat ever since, because no cool indie rockband can give me the same comfort as listening to my cooler best friend sing about our lives. 

4. Writing/Drawing/Collaging

Little watercolor 'doodle' from my sketch book

Sometimes all those diary entries I read, those Tumblr posts I see and Taylor Swift songs I listen to feel like one part of a dialogue. The other part is left for me to fill in and lately I've been doing a lot of that. My diary is getting fuller faster than ever and I have my art stuff (actually an old box with paints, pencils and magazines to cut up) out several times a week. The stuff I write or make isn't always very good, but that doesn't really matter. In creating things, even if they are just about my angsty feelings,  I feel like I am contributing to some greater discussion. I sometimes secretely hope that when I'm brave enough to show my (better) works to someone they will jump up and say: "That's it! That's exactly what I have been feeling lately! Lets's become best friends and talk about how scary growing up is and make art together and share our diary entries." (Okay, maybe that last bit is a bit too much to ask for ;) )