As life speeds up, I can feel my thoughts slowing down. Something is constantly happening the present, so there simply is no time to lose myself in that world outside of clocked hours to come up with new philosophies. When I do manage to have a few minutes to myself all I want is to be passive. I don't think. I don't write. I don't draw. I'm just very tired.
I like it this way. Not giving my thoughts to much room means they can't trick me and let me fall in crippling spirals of anxiety. Things happen and I react to them. I simply keep going and don't question it. This has resulted in me feeling quite well (if I say so myself) lately.
Yet, I feel that this constantly moving person isn't really me. Sometimes I imagine my life as a train that is speeding through a station. I am sitting inside of it, but I'm standing out on the platform as well. From the grey concrete I can see myself sitting in the train seat, moving quickly towards a new destination. I see the small windows fly by. I can even feel the gusts of wind the speeding vehicle creates, but I'm still an onlooker left behind. I'm not really there.
I like thinking. It's part of who I am and I consider my capacity to do so an extremely valuable asset. So when life prohibits me to do so it isn't strange that I feel lost. This does make me fearful of the future. The more I grow up, the busier with 'life' I become. Which is logical, since you don't fulfill responsibilities by having introspective thoughts and scribbling in your diary. When I take this conclusion further it would result in the very teen angsty-belief that when you grow up, you lose yourself. I don't want to believe that and I really don't want it to be true, but maybe that doesn't matter because life asks me to keep going.
Yet, I feel that this constantly moving person isn't really me. Sometimes I imagine my life as a train that is speeding through a station. I am sitting inside of it, but I'm standing out on the platform as well. From the grey concrete I can see myself sitting in the train seat, moving quickly towards a new destination. I see the small windows fly by. I can even feel the gusts of wind the speeding vehicle creates, but I'm still an onlooker left behind. I'm not really there.
I like thinking. It's part of who I am and I consider my capacity to do so an extremely valuable asset. So when life prohibits me to do so it isn't strange that I feel lost. This does make me fearful of the future. The more I grow up, the busier with 'life' I become. Which is logical, since you don't fulfill responsibilities by having introspective thoughts and scribbling in your diary. When I take this conclusion further it would result in the very teen angsty-belief that when you grow up, you lose yourself. I don't want to believe that and I really don't want it to be true, but maybe that doesn't matter because life asks me to keep going.
Fave song at the moment
Oh, heavens. I've never seen anyone explain EXACTLY how I feel just like you did there.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm just filling up my mind with meaningless actions to keep myself going. I'm just spinning in circles that make it so I can't create or think deeply. I recognize this, but I'm not sure if I have it in me to break the cycle. I don't know if the rest of my life will be like this, so I don't know what to do about it.
I loved what you said about the train- I often feel the same way.
This was a beautiful post.
Also, First Aid Kit rules, and "King of The World" was my favorite from that album. Are we the same person?
Omg, I think we're secretely connected or something. This is crazy (or maybe I just have been living under your bed all this time ;) ).
DeleteI love First Aid Kit, have been listening to their album a lot lately.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO ME OMG!!! Now that summer is here it doesn't feel as a break, I'm still as busy as before, all the things I wanted to do must be push aside so I can meet my friends, sleep way too much... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
ReplyDeleteThanks for putting my feelings into words.
PD: I've seen you've been ublished in other sites, how do you do that?? YOU GO GIRL!
Haha, you're welcome.
DeleteAs for how I got published on other sites, I ussualy check if they accept submissions, then write a piece and contact them about what you've written and ask if they'll accept it. (That's how I do it, but I am far from an expert.)