Feels Like Freedom

First of all, let me begin this post with a sort-of apology for my absence. The past few weeks exams and studying for these exams decided to swallow up all my time and sanity (stress...). Fortunately I have made it through my exam period to come out alive and ready for relaxation, because the end of my last exam on Friday meant the beginning of summer for me! I feel extremely excited and giddy with the thought of so much FREEDOM ahead of me. The inevitable boredom, loneliness because all my friends are out of town and going-back-to-school stress all haven't set in yet and right now I am certain that this summer is going to be THE BEST EVA.

Initially my plan was to come up with a post schedule for this blog during the summer, so I could be more active on here and fight my boredom with writing as much as possible. However, I decided not to do it. This is because this summer I want to do things differently. Every summer at the begin of my period of relative freedom, when I'm filled with start-of-summer-excitement, I always come up with a list of projects-to-do, books-to-read, movies-to-watch and experiences-to-have. I have never succeeded in completing any of these lists, because after two weeks of 'the most intense summer experience ever', I come down with a case of summer burn-out and stay inside while marathoning Gossip Girl for a week.

This summer this hopefully won't happen. Besides going to the US to attend a leadership/politics-program (I'm so excited and nervous. omg.), a trip with my family and the aspiration to finally get that summer job, I have nothing planned for this summer. No lists with to-do's or to-read's or to-see's. I can just do whatever I want. Off course I will read and watch movies and go out with friends, but this time it will just come down to what I feel like on a particuliar day. I'm not going to force myself to read Great American Literature or 'visit at least three musuems with a friend' if I don't want to. Because that is the thing with to-do lists, they are a lot easier to write down than to actually complete.

Maybe I'll be able to make the most of my freedom this way. By just doing what I want, reading what I want, watching what I want - simply living how I want - I might actually become a bit more capable of understanding what I want and like and what I want to spend  my time on when I have full control over it.

Maybe just one to-do: Go see TFIOS

When I Fail To Be Pretentious

Totally unrelated collage I made. I've been really into Sylvia Plath lately. 

Some time ago I wrote that things were vey hectic in my life, little did I know that was just the begining. The last few days have been blur of graduation ceremonies, extracurricular activities, parties and late night essay writing sessions. There is no time in between to really register what actually happened. My body constantly seems to be ahead of my mind.

This intense level of constant activity has also made me realize I'm a true introvert. I do really enjoy all these social events, but after a whole day of being around other people, I am exhausted and feel like I need  time to enjoy some aloneness (which, I might add, is very different from loneliness). My social-exhaustion also changes several habits I have, including the books/Tv-shows/movies/music I 'consume'. I find myself throwing my 'sophisticated smart (/pretentious) people'- literature to side and picking up easy reading YA series. I suddenly go on a Disney Channel- movie binge and my favorite musice genre changes into 'love songs about high school boys'. 

These entertainment choices go against everything that I as an entertainment snob (I know, it's bad) believe in. I'm that person who proclaims there is no hope for society when I see trashy reality TV and go on a thirty minute long rant when I see some book about an unrealisticly sappy romance is on the top of the bestseller list. This is not just outward appearance. I do truly love my high-brow-intellectual-pretentious-person entertainment and get sad when I see it doesn't recieve the recognition (or at least, I think) it  deserves. I hate to see a theatre or museum close because lack of visitors or really cool artists not getting a big enough audience to support themselves. I am (or was) truly puzzled about why others can't appreciate poetry or 18th century lit or some indie film, like I do. 

Another totally unrelated picture of my messy art supplies.

My own change of behavior this week has really made me cirtically look at my attitude. As I observe that the busier and more exhausted I become, the simpler my entertainment gets, I wonder if all that artsy-intellectual is only appealing for those who have time to worry about it. There are many great literary novels that, however brilliant, are actually really depressing. They're inspiring and thought-provoking, but not something I like to read after a long day of studying/work/socializing with family you barely know. Sometimes I already have to many things to worry about to leave room for some fictional artist's existential crisis.

I know that there are many more much more complicated factors that influence what kind of entertainment/media a person consumes, but perhaps I should be more understanding when I see 'said book about sappy romance' sell better than 'intellectual artsy novel about wretchedness of society'. One of the most powerful things entertainment does is providing an escape. Especially when life gets hard, a world that is different from ours becomes appealing. That can be a world with magic and dragons or one where simply all man  our amazingly romantic lovers. Or one created by Disney for 12-year olds.  Quite often high-brow-intellectual-pretentious-person entertainment doesn't offer this escape, or does it in a more complicated way. A complicated way that you don't want to deal with after your own life has already worn you out. 

All my ramblings above do not mean that this whole phenomenon is not more complex. Many factors have a say in what kind of media and entertainment a person consumes. It also shouldn't be forgotten that high-brow-intellectual-pretentious-person entertainment can often make us feel understood, inspired or just simply happy. Good art doesn't always have to be sad. 

Also, I would like to point out that no kind of enertainment is better than the other. Despite my sometimes snobbish attitude (that I have to work on getting rid off!), entertainment is good as long as long as you find it enjoyable/inspiring/interesting/etc. Labeling something as 'great literature' and 'easy summer read' is a highly subjective matter and you shouldn't let those labels define your own experience with entertainment/art.

Let's play dress up

"Why are you dressed like that?" and "Do you have somewhere special to go to?" Where just a few of several comments I received on my outfit today. When I decided to put on what I was wearing in the morning I had never expected, or hoped for, receiving any response to the way I was dressed. I had simply put on  these clothes, because I thought I would enjoy wearing them.

I would be lying if I said that I can't understand at all where my clothing critiquers were coming from. I had indeed decided to put on a black dress with a black blazer on top of it, an outfit that can be seen as quite formal for a regular schoolday. The fact that several people pointed this out wasn't what bothered me about the comments I received. It was the "why"-question that often followed that did.

In asking someone to explain why they made certain fashion choices, lies the belief (that some may be aware of having and others unconciously act upon) that the reason 'I wear it, because I like it' is not valid or lacking. Now this is not a belief that is uncommon and I experience having it as well when I stand in front of the mirror and find myself wondering "if this shirt isn't too crazy" or "if these heels won't look weird under these jeans".

Fashion is a very outward directed form of expression. The world gets a better view of my outfits than  I do myself, so it isn't strange to assume that dressing up is something one does for the world instead of themselve. Yet, when we hold on to that belief, we forget fashion (or just wearing clothes) is a form of expression and expression is inseparably linked to feelings within ourselves.

Sometimes putting on certain clothes is a way to show these feelings to the world. To let my nine-inch bright red heels shout "Look at world! Because today I'm a badass b*tch from hell!". However, it can also work the other way around. Dressing in a certain way, can make me feel certain things. When I wear my favourite dress and put my brand new wedges under it, I instantly feel like a million bucks. Or when I put on my paint-splattered sneakers and a band tee, I will secretely be convinced I'm a really cool and artistic person that is ready to make art all day. It's like playing dress up with emotions and identities.

The realization that fashion can do pretty awesome (and maybe even magical) things just for me has been vital for me to have fun in shopping for and wearing clothing. For way too long the belief that I was dressing for the world has left me frustrated each morning and every time I set foot in a clothing store. Trying to either please or make a statement with every item you put on can become a pretty tiring task, that for me eventually resulted in complete disregard for all things that had to do with 'personal style'. I only started to enjoy dressing myself again, once I realised it was a tool I could use for my personal expression and happiness.

So, to summarize all my ramblings (if you are too lazy to read everything, just check this out: ) WEAR THINGS BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL AWESOME. (OR $EXXXY OR COOL OR LIKE A UNICORN)

Life's a Ferris Wheel

Life's been keeping me busy, so I haven't had the chance to post as much as I wanted to. With the summer coming up there is a ton of stuff to be finished before everyone decides to relinquish their responsibilities for several weeks. Not just in school, but outside of it as well. I'm drowning in assignments for final grades and in the meantime friends, clubs and family want to meet one last time before 'the big break'. 

As life speeds up, I can feel my thoughts slowing down. Something is constantly happening the present, so there simply is no time to lose myself in that world outside of clocked hours to come up with new philosophies. When I do manage to have a few minutes to myself all I want is to be passive. I don't think. I don't write. I don't draw. I'm just very tired.  

I like it this way. Not giving my thoughts to much room means they can't trick me and let me fall in crippling spirals of anxiety. Things happen and I react to them.  I simply keep going and don't question it. This has resulted in me feeling quite well (if I say so myself) lately.

Yet, I feel that this constantly moving person isn't really me. Sometimes I imagine my life as a train that is speeding through a station. I am sitting inside of it, but I'm standing out on the platform as well. From the grey concrete I can see myself sitting in the train seat, moving quickly towards a new destination. I see the small windows fly by. I can even feel the gusts of wind the speeding vehicle creates, but I'm still an onlooker left behind. I'm not really there. 

I like thinking. It's part of who I am and I consider my capacity to do so an extremely valuable asset. So when life prohibits me to do so it isn't strange that I feel lost. This does make me fearful of the future. The more I grow up, the busier with 'life' I become. Which is logical, since you don't fulfill responsibilities by having introspective thoughts and scribbling in your diary. When I take this conclusion further it would result in the very teen angsty-belief that when you grow up, you lose yourself. I don't want to believe that and I really don't want it to be true, but maybe that doesn't matter because life asks me to keep going. 

Fave song at the moment