Life's a Ferris Wheel

Life's been keeping me busy, so I haven't had the chance to post as much as I wanted to. With the summer coming up there is a ton of stuff to be finished before everyone decides to relinquish their responsibilities for several weeks. Not just in school, but outside of it as well. I'm drowning in assignments for final grades and in the meantime friends, clubs and family want to meet one last time before 'the big break'. 

As life speeds up, I can feel my thoughts slowing down. Something is constantly happening the present, so there simply is no time to lose myself in that world outside of clocked hours to come up with new philosophies. When I do manage to have a few minutes to myself all I want is to be passive. I don't think. I don't write. I don't draw. I'm just very tired.  

I like it this way. Not giving my thoughts to much room means they can't trick me and let me fall in crippling spirals of anxiety. Things happen and I react to them.  I simply keep going and don't question it. This has resulted in me feeling quite well (if I say so myself) lately.

Yet, I feel that this constantly moving person isn't really me. Sometimes I imagine my life as a train that is speeding through a station. I am sitting inside of it, but I'm standing out on the platform as well. From the grey concrete I can see myself sitting in the train seat, moving quickly towards a new destination. I see the small windows fly by. I can even feel the gusts of wind the speeding vehicle creates, but I'm still an onlooker left behind. I'm not really there. 

I like thinking. It's part of who I am and I consider my capacity to do so an extremely valuable asset. So when life prohibits me to do so it isn't strange that I feel lost. This does make me fearful of the future. The more I grow up, the busier with 'life' I become. Which is logical, since you don't fulfill responsibilities by having introspective thoughts and scribbling in your diary. When I take this conclusion further it would result in the very teen angsty-belief that when you grow up, you lose yourself. I don't want to believe that and I really don't want it to be true, but maybe that doesn't matter because life asks me to keep going. 

Fave song at the moment

Life happens. I guess.

Hello there people of the internet! Over the last few days it has grown incredibly quiet over here. So, what happened? Life. Which means lots of things, that also include doing absolutely nothing. It is easter/spring break at the moment and I have spend most of my time simply recovering from insane school-related stress. Unfortunately, school-related anxiety won't be over completely untill coming Saturday when I have to take the SAT (aka ruiner of dreamers, creator of tears and causer of existential crises). It is seriously making me question the purpose of higher education, though.