Friday, June 6, 2014

The worst kind of lost

I think I’ve outgrown my home
I’m kind of feeling lost wherever I go 
And I could be staring it right in the face and I wouldn’t know 
I think I’ve outgrown my home

These are lyrics from the song 'Out on my own' by Gabrielle Aplin, who has somehow managed to perfectly articulate all that I have been feeling lately. Only months ago the town I live in seemed exciting and full of life to me, but now all that I can see is overly visited hang out spots and repetition of scenery. Also school and all the drama and worries it brings no longer has the ability to fully occupy my mind. It feels like a place that already belongs to my past, but somehow is still part of my 'present' and will be for another full year. 

Since reality feels like it doesn't fit me anymore I've been looking for homes in other places. In books and art and music. I've been reading stories I used to love and watching movies from when I still fit their tween demographic, but even these tales that I could once find so much comfort in feel like they no longer belong to me. The girl I used to find between the lines of 'This Lullaby' by Sarah Dessen (a novel I used to love when I was younger) is lost. 

The book I'm talking about

I am not sure what brought about this sudden feeling of outgrowing my current life. For someone with a set plans and clear goals for the future the longing to move on would be logical, but with me that is not the case. I have no clue where I am headed and it doesn't make me feel like some whimsical free spirit floating through life. On the contrary, my thoughts of the future are mostly filled with fear. 

I recently read a diary post on Rookie by Britney in which she wrote that as teenagers we are doomed to be cynical untill we see more of life. I believe she is right and that is also what makes me so anxious about the future, because what if it only makes me more cynical? What if I never find a place that fits me? 

When I was younger the future seemed like a fantastical and terrifying unknown to me. I believed that when I would graduate I would ride off on a road with no destination, meeting cool people and experiencing amazing things along the way. I would truly live. Now that I am actively planning for college, summer draws closer and I will soon only have one year of high school left all the mystique is gone from my future. I know I will go to college. I know what colleges I will (probably) apply to and attend. I know what they look like. Hell, I even know what kind of room I will probably be living in once I graduate. This is no adventurous roadtrip through life. 

Yet, (like I mentioned earlier) I have no sense of the direction. I know, I'm paradoxical. All these images of days to come seem empty to me. The same kind of empty my life feels like right now. It's like I'm floating, following the direction of the stream, while I know I should be swimming. I should actively be filling that fantastical unknown with experiences and people and meaning.  I am lost, but not in the way that feels like liberation. My kind of lost feels like an old sweater that I have gotten too big for. It fits a little too snug around the chest, my belly peeks out awkwardly and taken it off is a hard task. 

The Gabrielle Aplin song I mentioned


  1. I loved this. Beautifully written, and oh so relatable.

    1. Thanks and it's good knowing I'm not alone ;)

  2. "My kind of lost feels like an old sweater that I have gotten too big for."
    Yeah, I feel this. I've always felt like I was the same height, ever since I was little. It's not until I'm doing something like skiing or looking at my legs that I realize that my head is 5'7" off the ground. Then I suddenly feel too big for everything, In between being a child and an adult. Only now I remember all the adult stuff I'm supposed to be doing and all the kid stuff I have left.

    Great post, keep doing your thing!

    1. Aaaah you feel me! Sometimes it's like my body is telling me to grow up, but I just feel like I'm stuck in this weird in-between phase.