The worst kind of lost

I think I’ve outgrown my home
I’m kind of feeling lost wherever I go 
And I could be staring it right in the face and I wouldn’t know 
I think I’ve outgrown my home

These are lyrics from the song 'Out on my own' by Gabrielle Aplin, who has somehow managed to perfectly articulate all that I have been feeling lately. Only months ago the town I live in seemed exciting and full of life to me, but now all that I can see is overly visited hang out spots and repetition of scenery. Also school and all the drama and worries it brings no longer has the ability to fully occupy my mind. It feels like a place that already belongs to my past, but somehow is still part of my 'present' and will be for another full year. 

Since reality feels like it doesn't fit me anymore I've been looking for homes in other places. In books and art and music. I've been reading stories I used to love and watching movies from when I still fit their tween demographic, but even these tales that I could once find so much comfort in feel like they no longer belong to me. The girl I used to find between the lines of 'This Lullaby' by Sarah Dessen (a novel I used to love when I was younger) is lost. 

The book I'm talking about

I am not sure what brought about this sudden feeling of outgrowing my current life. For someone with a set plans and clear goals for the future the longing to move on would be logical, but with me that is not the case. I have no clue where I am headed and it doesn't make me feel like some whimsical free spirit floating through life. On the contrary, my thoughts of the future are mostly filled with fear. 

I recently read a diary post on Rookie by Britney in which she wrote that as teenagers we are doomed to be cynical untill we see more of life. I believe she is right and that is also what makes me so anxious about the future, because what if it only makes me more cynical? What if I never find a place that fits me? 

When I was younger the future seemed like a fantastical and terrifying unknown to me. I believed that when I would graduate I would ride off on a road with no destination, meeting cool people and experiencing amazing things along the way. I would truly live. Now that I am actively planning for college, summer draws closer and I will soon only have one year of high school left all the mystique is gone from my future. I know I will go to college. I know what colleges I will (probably) apply to and attend. I know what they look like. Hell, I even know what kind of room I will probably be living in once I graduate. This is no adventurous roadtrip through life. 

Yet, (like I mentioned earlier) I have no sense of the direction. I know, I'm paradoxical. All these images of days to come seem empty to me. The same kind of empty my life feels like right now. It's like I'm floating, following the direction of the stream, while I know I should be swimming. I should actively be filling that fantastical unknown with experiences and people and meaning.  I am lost, but not in the way that feels like liberation. My kind of lost feels like an old sweater that I have gotten too big for. It fits a little too snug around the chest, my belly peeks out awkwardly and taken it off is a hard task. 

The Gabrielle Aplin song I mentioned

Impressions of a rainy afternoon

Edit: I actually wrote this yesterday, but didn't post it. So just imagine you can time-travel and you're reading this on Wednesday night.

As I’m writing this I can hear the rain falling softly on my window, my heater is on and even though it’s May I’m wearing a thick sweater. I love days like this. When it rains and you can just let your mind wander. That’s why I didn’t want to write any serious posts today. I just wanted to make a cup of tea, sit back and appreciate this sweater weather. Still, I thought it would be nice if you could enjoy it with me. So I decided to give you an impression of my rainy afternoon, which also gave me a good excuse to play around with my camera.

Life happens. I guess.

Hello there people of the internet! Over the last few days it has grown incredibly quiet over here. So, what happened? Life. Which means lots of things, that also include doing absolutely nothing. It is easter/spring break at the moment and I have spend most of my time simply recovering from insane school-related stress. Unfortunately, school-related anxiety won't be over completely untill coming Saturday when I have to take the SAT (aka ruiner of dreamers, creator of tears and causer of existential crises). It is seriously making me question the purpose of higher education, though.

Liebster Award

During the last week I received several comments  from very sweet bloggers that told me I was nominated for a  ‘Liebster award’. I had no idea what this was, but it seemed pretty cool to be getting some kind of 'award'. It turned the Liebster Award is as awesome as it seems, since it gives you the chance to discover new blogs and get to know the bloggers a little better. So thank you, girls from lanovata.nl, l-eef.blogspot.nl/ and bite-the-cake.blogspot.nl, for nominating me!

On dreams

Remember when you were little? When everything seemed possible? When your fantasies flowed into your reality and sometimes you couldn’t even tell the difference? When it came to your dreams things were easy. You just did what you liked and didn’t think much about the ‘buts’ and ‘what-ifs’.  So why does that change when you grow up? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and about dreams in general. It’s what made me draw up this little doodle. I know it really isn't much and that is what made me realize that a doodle wouldn't be enough to get my musings about dreams out there. So, I decided to give writing them down a try. This is the result. 

My spring Wishlist

Spring Wishlist by cursivetypeblog featuring a black jean jacket

Although it still rains frequently here and it isn’t exactly the weather for short skirts, I can’t help but get excited over the fact that it is spring. Unfortunately, my wardrobe doesn’t show it since I’m seriously lacking clothes that are fit for temperatures above 10 degrees Celsius. And that’s a shame, because I really do love spring fashion. I love not having to go outside with a coat on, but still being able to wear jeans without feeling like I’m melting to death. So, I have a lot of spring fashion items I really want to get and today I decided to share these with you.